Parenting Is Not for the Weak (And Other Lies I Tell Myself Before Coffee) 

Let me paint you a picture: It’s 3 AM. You haven’t slept in approximately 47 years. Your hair looks like you stuck a fork in a toaster, and there’s a tiny dictator in footie pajamas screaming because you dared to offer them the wrong banana. Welcome to parenting, where the rules are made up, and your sanity is definitely not the prize. 

Phase 1: The “I Got This” Delusion 

Remember when you thought parenting would be all soft cuddles and Instagram-worthy moments? LOL. The first time your baby projectile-spits up directly into your mouth, you realize: Oh. This is war. 

Newborns are basically jet-lagged roommates who scream if you put them down, scream if you hold them wrong, and scream just to keep you on your toes. And just when you think you’ve cracked the code—BAM! They learn to crawl. Now they’re speed-running toward danger like it’s an Olympic sport. 

Parenting Pro Tip: Baby gates are a suggestion, not a law. Your child will find a way. Always. 

Phase 2: The Toddler Uprising 

Toddlers are tiny drunk people. They’re emotional, unpredictable, and have zero respect for personal space. One minute they’re sobbing because you cut their sandwich into triangles instead of squares, and the next, they’re licking the dog. 

Real-Life Conversations I’ve Had This Week: 

• Me: “Please don’t put spaghetti in your ears.” 
• Toddler: “But why?” (As if this is a totally normal thing to debate.) 
• Me: “Because… because I said so?” (Parenting has reduced me to this.) 

You also quickly learn that toddlers have the negotiation skills of a mob boss. 

Them: “I want candy for breakfast.” 
You: “No, we have to eat something healthy first.” 
Them: “Then I will scream until the neighbors call the police.” 
You: “…Fine. Here’s a gummy bear.” 

Phase 3: The “Why Is There Glitter in My Coffee?” Era 

School-age kids are a whole new beast. They bring home “art projects” that look like a crime scene, lose approximately 14 water bottles per week, and still somehow believe you are a human Google. 

Kid: “Mom, how do airplanes fly?” 
Me, an English major: “Uh… magic?” 
Kid, disappointed: “I’ll ask Dad.” 

Meanwhile, you’re just trying to survive the endless loop of laundry, packed lunches, and permission slips you definitely signed but somehow got “lost” in the abyss of their backpack. 

Why Only the Strong Survive 

Parenting is basically boot camp for your soul. It requires: 

• The endurance of a marathon runner (because bedtime is a 3-hour negotiation). 
• The stealth of a spy (sneaking vegetables into meals like a CIA operative). 
• The patience of a monk (when they ask “Are we there yet?” 0.2 seconds into a road trip). 

And yet… 

The Secret No One Tells You 

Yeah, it’s hard. Yeah, you’ll question every life choice that led you here. But then—your kid hugs you for no reason. Or says something unintentionally hilarious, like “Mom, is today tomorrow yet?” And suddenly, you’re hit with this overwhelming, irrational love that makes all the chaos worth it. 

So to every parent out there currently hiding in the bathroom with a secret candy stash: You’re doing great. And if anyone says parenting is easy, they’re either lying or they’ve outsourced their kids to a boarding school in Switzerland. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fish a Hot Wheels out of the toilet. Again.